Earlier this year, state lawmakers passed bills restricting the rights of transgender youth in New Hampshire. In a new memoir, a mother describes how anti-trans sentiment from her neighbors in Gilford and state lawmakers pushed her family out of their hometown and eventually the state.
Abi Maxwell, the author of “One Day I’ll Grow Up and Be a Beautiful Woman,” recently spoke with NHPR’s Morning Edition host Rick Ganley.
Transcript
So your daughter, who you give the pseudonym Greta for her privacy in the memoir, she came out to you as transgender when she was relatively young. What were the ways she tried to communicate what she was experiencing to you and your husband?
So she started expressing her gender when she was 4 and 5, and my husband and I really didn't understand it. But by the time she was 6, it was something we really could not ignore or suppress. And we had to learn about things and eventually allow her to socially transition. And I think the ways that she expressed it were looking back, it was so clear. The first time I took her to a store to buy something for her to wear, she walked in and said, where's the girls section? You know, it was just so clear to her she should be going to the girls section. She was in a dance class and she was given the boys costume when she was 5, and she kept being so upset about it and upset that she was put with the boys in the dance line. And when I finally said, 'Well, wait, you would do this dance class, you would continue with it if you were given the girls costume?' And she said, 'Well, duh, that's the costume I'm supposed to have.' So she really expressed it in very clear ways looking back.
I know your family has deep roots in New Hampshire, going back centuries. But you write in the book that your hometown, Gilford, ultimately became your family's downfall. When did that trouble start for you and for your family?
Yeah, so my family allowed our daughter to socially transition the summer after first grade. So changing her name and her pronouns. And she changed her dress and, you know, grew out her hair, all of those things. And she was really excited to go back to school and show people who she was. I mean, this is a kid who did not want to live anymore if we kept forcing her to live as a boy, and she just transformed overnight when we allowed her to transition. So she went back to second grade. And at that time, the governor, [Chris] Sununu, had signed legislation that gave equal rights to transgender students in public schools. And in order to comply with the law, our school district, the school district in Gilford, went about making a policy to protect trans students. And immediately people in Gilford came out to speak against this policy and against my daughter's rights, against transgender students' rights in general, but my daughter was the center of the conversations.
Ultimately at Gilford, at the school board meetings, you say there was so much controversy over whether your daughter could use the same bathroom as other girls. What was the experience of those meetings like for your family?
It was the darkest thing I have ever lived through. In my memory of the first meeting that I attended, where both strangers and neighbors alike came out to speak against my daughter's rights, it was terrifying to not know who you could trust to really believe, because I still believe that if people could just look into our home, if they could really get to know our daughter, then they would understand. And to know that these people who didn't understand and didn't take the time to get to know us, were making decisions that are detrimental to my child.
I know you ultimately moved out of Gilford because of this experience. You're in California now. Why did you decide to move out of New Hampshire entirely?
The year that my family moved out of Gilford, we moved to Concord, and it was really wonderful, and we loved our home so much, and the community was much more supportive. Concord School District passed a policy to protect trans students very quickly, with no one coming out to speak against it, and it was really wonderful. But that very year that we moved, legislation against trans kids began. So that first winter in our new home, I spoke against a bill to criminalize my daughter's health care and to ban her from sports. And the following year it was more bills and the following year more. Until this past year, there were over 18 anti-trans bills, and it was destroying our lives. I mean, my husband and I did not know how we could survive another winter of that kind of stress of the legislative season. It's terrifying to wonder every year if your child will have access to medical care, if she'll be able to join a team just like any other kid. So we knew we couldn't keep going, and we decided to move before the governor had even signed into law the bills that he signed this year. Because we knew that even if they didn't pass this year, more would come back and more and more. It was just — we can't have a life like that.
What has your daughter's experience in California schools been like compared to her time here in New Hampshire?
It has been night and day. The other day, I was sitting on the couch with her asking her about how she likes California, because, to be clear, New Hampshire has been my home my whole life. My entire family is there, and I had to break my heart in half in order to leave. But things have been good here. I asked my daughter about how she felt, and she said, 'You know, I've noticed this really weird thing where at school in New Hampshire, the word gay was like really bad, and people said it to make fun of you. And here, people say it when they're saying something really good.' It was just such a clear picture of her experience. Here, she's in an LGBTQ club at her school that has over 30 students. There are signs in the classrooms that say homophobic speech equals hate speech, and it is against school policy. I mean, it's just so built into the culture to protect her, to keep her safe. Seeing her now, she suddenly can do all of her schoolwork. She can show up to class. I mean, she had essentially dropped out of sixth grade last year in New Hampshire because it was so hard for her. She would have anxiety attacks in the parking lot before going into school, and here she just feels safe and accepted for who she is. And I knew the change would be big, but I don't think I had any idea how profound of a change it would be.
