When writer Kelly Corrigan's daughters became tweens, Corrigan stood ready to help them with the troubles and travails of that delicate time. If one of her girls would came home from school angry and upset, she'd come up with ideas for how to deal with bullying, rejection, or whatever the problem was.
It didn't always go over well: "Their emotion would change, and they would go from something raw to something kind of tired and dismissive and then they would wander away," Corrigan, host of the PBS interview series Tell Me More, recounted on NPR's TED Radio Hour.
One day her daughter Georgia called, crying. Corrigan happened to be in a car with a friend who was training to become a therapist, so she put the phone on speaker.
Georgia said she hated sixth grade. All the girls in class were turning on her for no reason.
Corrigan's friend whispered: "Say 'tell me more.' " Corrigan echoed it to her daughter: "Tell me more."
Georgia went on complaining.
"Say 'that sounds really hard,'" whispered the therapist-in-training. "That sounds so hard," Corrigan said to Georgia.
"It is!" Georgia replied. And instead of shutting down like usual, the sixth-grader continued to open up to her mom. Corrigan says this different way of communicating, though simple, was shockingly effective.
When a family member or friend is struggling emotionally, using phrases like these can unlock a deeper connection, and it's far more powerful than giving advice, says Corrigan.
Corrigan has spent years talking about families — her own and many others — on her PBS show, her podcast and in her four bestselling books. She gave a TED Talk about having the courage to respond with humility when a loved one is in crisis, which requires putting aside our own ideas about how to fix their problems.
Here are some of the lessons she offered on a recent episode of TED Radio Hour.
1. Hold off on offering a solution
Corrigan says it can be "kind of humiliating" if someone brings their problem to you and you just solve it right away. "Because, basically, the underlying message of that is what are you so upset about? Like, it's not that hard to figure this out," says Corrigan.
Now when a loved one is struggling, she pictures them picking through a jewelry box full of tangled up necklaces, bracelets and earrings. "And there is a tremendous satisfaction in separating all those items once and for all," she says. Corrigan says the person who's struggling should get to feel that satisfaction of solving their problem, not you as the helper.
"You have to decide their needs are paramount," she says.
2. Use these seven words instead
To be the most helpful to the people in your life who are trying to open up to you, you just need to say a few phrases, says Corrigan:
- "Tell me more."
- "Go on …"
- "What else?"
These words give them space to tell their story, to feel loved and accepted no matter how heavy the things are that they want to share. "You can get pretty far in life just with those seven words," Corrigan says.
3. Practice emotional hospitality
Love is not one size fits all, Corrigan says. For example, if you're caring for children, remember that not all kids like to be hugged (or adults for that matter). "If I were to custom design a feeling for you, what would the shape of it be? What would the sound of it be?" Corrigan asks.
But don't pressure yourself to say just the right thing when someone is unburdening their pain, she says. Instead, practice "emotional hospitality," where you create a comforting environment with your presence, inviting the other person to open up: "Tell me something. I'm here."
And then, she says, really listen. "So few people love to listen," Corrigan notes. "Most people, it seems, love to talk."
4. Tune in — love can be quiet and still
Corrigan says when the going gets tough for a loved one, she gets a strong urge to jump into action mode. "Everything in me wants to grab a clipboard, make a to-do list and start calendaring appointments," she says.
One day when her father was days from the end of his life, Corrigan noticed he seemed agitated. Fighting the desire to call a nurse or tell him to go to sleep, she just sat down and tried to tune in to his mood. And he started opening up about his life's regrets, small things that were still weighing on him. He didn't visit his brother-in-law enough when he was sick, for instance. He should have named a kid after his lacrosse coach who helped him avoid getting kicked out of college.
Instead of reassuring him or minimizing his misgivings, she listened.
The idea, she says, is to telegraph to them that "I'm going to absorb this thing with you. I'm going to mirror your seriousness about it. And maybe that can let you rest." And it worked. "He leaned back on his pillow and said, I'm good, Lovey. That's good for today," Corrigan remembers.
This was a gift to her, she says. It gave her a chance to love him fully, just as he needed to be at that moment.
"Personally, I thought love meant action. I had no idea it could be so still."
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