SCOTT DETROW, HOST:
Hey, how are you?
I missed you.
Where have you been?
Did I say something wrong?
If you have sent a string of messages like that to somebody and been met with total silence, I hate to break it to you, but you may have been ghosted.
DANIELLE SUKENIK: Ghosting is when an individual vanishes suddenly without any kind of explanation. We can see these patterns in friendships or even in the workplace but usually in the dating, romantic sense.
DETROW: Danielle Sukenik is a licensed family and marriage therapist based in Colorado.
SUKENIK: We're seeing ghosting has become more prevalent with the rise of dating apps because it really comes down to - when we connect with people on dating apps, they are absolute strangers, so individuals don't have as much accountability, and they can disappear and kind of get away with it.
DETROW: Today, we're bringing you some Valentine's Day ghost stories. NPR producer Brianna Scott spent time talking with folks who have been ghosted or - because let's face it, many of us have done it - people who did the ghosting.
CHARLIE BRODERICK: I definitely recognize, a lot of the times I've ghosted people, it was from being immature. I think other times it was just from, like, I don't want to be overwhelmed.
DETROW: Charlie Broderick (ph) is 29 and lives in New York. He has been a ghoster and a ghostee. Therapist Danielle Sukenik says ghosters might believe that disappearing hurts less than communicating rejection, but rejection hurts, no matter how you slice it.
SUKENIK: It might increase feelings of sadness, loneliness, self-rejection, and our brains fill in the gaps, and we'll tell ourselves stories or create narratives around what happened. Usually, those narratives can be really distressful, and we often blame ourselves.
DETROW: Often, ghosting happens after a few dates, but it can also happen in longer-term relationships. During the pandemic, 29-year-old Umber Bhatti (ph) was ghosted by a guy she had been dating for about eight months. She had plans of introducing him to her friends at her birthday party, and then he never showed up.
UMBER BHATTI: For two whole weeks, I woke up feeling so heavy. I remember thinking, like, oh, my God, this feels weird. Like, why do I have this heavy weight, you know, on me?
DETROW: She leaned on her friends and community after being ghosted and kept SZA's "I Hate U" on repeat.
(SOUNDBITE OF SONG, "I HATE U")
SZA: (Singing) And if you wondered if I hate you.
DETROW: She's moved on since then, but says that incident has stayed with her.
BHATTI: I think I've healed, but then I put, like, you can't trust anyone, which makes me (laughter) - which I know makes me sound like I have not healed.
DETROW: There are also people who experienced ghosting before the dating app era. Fifty-seven-year-old Rebecca Falconer (ph) recalls an experience she had in the early '90s, when a guy she had been seeing for about three months ghosted her, or at least he tried to.
REBECCA FALCONER: I walked into his bookstore where he worked five minutes before it closed and saw his face fall when he saw me. And I don't know, I just thought, no way. You are not getting away with this. You have to have the courage to tell me to my face that this is over.
DETROW: Falconer was like a lot of other people. She just wants people to be honest.
FALCONER: Now we have so many methods of communication. You can just text somebody or email them. That's pretty low drama, so just do it. Rip the Band-Aid off.
DETROW: Now, therapist Danielle Sukenik says there are times where ghosting is an appropriate way to end things with someone.
SUKENIK: If communicating to the other person may impose some kind of safety risk or danger, then in that case, of course, safety is No. 1. Do what you need to do to keep yourself safe. But otherwise, practicing those direct, open, honest communication skills is the way to go in most situations.
DETROW: But not all ghost stories are tragic. Take 57-year-old Angie Singer Keating (ph). She ghosted somebody, and she isn't proud of it. They met on an app, they went on a date, and he just seemed uptight, not that interested, so she stopped communicating with him and dated other people. After Singer Keating ended one relationship, she reactivated her profile, and that guy she ghosted messaged her, saying...
ANGIE SINGER KEATING: Oh, so you are alive. I remember sitting in my bedroom and, like, putting my head down and going, oh, my God, I - that's that guy I ghosted. I feel like such a jerk. So I messaged him. I said, oh, yes, I am. I'm so, so, so sorry. Would you like to just meet and let me buy you a beer and say I'm sorry in person? That was, like, all the intention I had, was just, hey, let's just - let me apologize in person 'cause I'm sitting here thinking that was such a jerk thing to do.
DETROW: So they met for a drink.
SINGER KEATING: We sat there, and we talked, and we laughed and laughed for probably two or three hours. And I was like, oh, my God, this guy is so different. And so later he told me, he's like, I just wanted to make you see what you were missing, and so he just made me laugh the entire time. And, you know, we're going on 7 1/2 years now, and he...
BRIANNA SCOTT, BYLINE: Wow.
SINGER KEATING: ...Has not stopped making me laugh since.
DETROW: They're getting married in October. Happy Valentine's Day.
(SOUNDBITE OF SIXPENCE NONE THE RICHER SONG, "KISS ME") Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.
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