Just to demonstrate that I've learned nothing, here's another seasonal list story.
Last year at this time, I foolishly offered my choices for the ten best pop Christmas songs. I say foolishly because these list things are always a bad idea for so many reasons. In fact I’m working on a piece that will list the ten biggest reasons why list stories are a bad idea.
In the meantime, however, just to demonstrate that I’ve learned nothing, here’s another seasonal list story: the five worst pop Christmas songs.
Holly Jolly Christmas
The songwriter Johnny Marks (1909-1985) had an unusual career, in that virtually all of his successful tunes were Christmas-related. He is, let it be noted, among the surprisingly many Jewish songwriters (Irving Berlin, Sammy Cahn, Jule Styne, Mel Torme, et al.) to score major Christmas hits.
Marks’ magnum opus was “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer” (1949), but he also wrote “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree,” made famous by Brenda Lee in 1958. (Brenda, incidentally, was 13 at the time.)
In some sources, he is listed as the composer of “Run Rudolph Run,” a minor but durable seasonal hit for Chuck Berry. This is incorrect. In fact, Berry wrote the song himself but later was legally obliged to transfer the songwriter credit to Marks because the latter, as thoughtfully pointed out by his lawyers, had created and still legally owned the Rudolph character.
“Holly Jolly Christmas” was composed for the 1964 stop-action animation TV special, “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer,” which, amazingly enough in this CGI-rich age, still runs annually in some kind of syndication.
It’s on my list because it’s trite and formulaic and because it lodges in the brain for hours, in the manner of “It’s a Small World After All.”
A Wonderful Christmas Time
When a McCartney song goes bad, it tends to go bad in a specific, identifiable way.
At the heart of the syndrome is profound cloyingness, both melodically and lyrically. Thus, “Silly Love Songs,” “With a Little Luck,” “Ebony and Ivory” (sorry, Stevie) and this almost-so-bad-it’s-good song from 1979.
You get the feeling that this actually could have been a pretty decent song, if Sir Paul had just spent a couple of extra days, I don’t know, completely revising major sections of it.
On the other hand, I see that its estimated annual royalties amount to some $400,000.
You’re a Mean One, Mr. Grinch
As a rule, I’m a fan of Dr. Seuss. But I think a fair-minded observer would have to agree that this song – the musical centerpiece of the 1966 cartoon TV special -- is not one of the good doctor’s more inspired efforts. I point to lines like:
Your soul is an appalling dump heap
Overflowing with the most disgraceful assortment of deplorable rubbish imaginable
Mangled up in tangled up knots!
Another problem here is the original vocal, sung by one ThurlRavenscroft (one of the better show-business names) in a phlegmybasso that calls to mind an uneasy blend of John Carradine and Barry White.
To give credit where it’s due, Ravenscroft employed his distinctive vocal timbre to better effect as the longtime voice of Tony the Tiger: yes, it was he who for 50 years memorably intoned, on behalf of Kellogg’s Sugar Frosted Flakes, “They’re Grrrrreat!”
Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer
The late Gene Pitney once told me that this was his favorite Christmas song. I like to think that Gene, who himself brought forth so many stirring and genuinely original pop ballads, was kidding.
With the possible exception of the barking dogs singing “Jingle Bells,” this is, simply, the nadir.
The 12 Days of Christmas
Finally, I know it’s not technically a pop song, but it’s so irritating that it’s got to be included.
This song has been slowing down Christmas office parties, confusing children, and providing a lazy, uninteresting journalistic hook (computing the cost of the 12 gifts, in up-to-the-minute dollars) for over a hundred years.
What is a leaping lord? Why would an individual want five gold rings? Maids a-milking? Does that mean that the cows (or goats, or whatever) are included? Hello, zoning issues anyone? Twelve drummers drumming – really? With, like, complete sets with floor toms and hi-hats and everything? What neighborhood would this be going to?
All right -- to save you the trouble of looking it up, the consensus cost of the 12 items, in 2015 dollars, is just over $100,000.
Merry Christmas.
Steve Metcalf was The Hartford Courant's Fulltime classical music critic and reporter for over 20 years, beginning in 1982. He is currently the curator of the Richard P. Garmany Chamber Music Series at The Hartt School. He can be reached at spmetcalf55@gmail.com.
