Love “jumps hurdles, leaps fences, penetrates walls to arrive at its destination full of hope,” poet and author Maya Angelou said.
Neurodiverse couple Sam Shwartz and Kara Anglim did just that.
They learned to live together — after learning to live independently — at the Chapel Haven Schleifer Center in New Haven.
“It was very exciting to meet Kara," Shwartz said, "because …”
“ ... We had fun, we just spoke to each other,” Anglim continued.
“Yeah, we were friends for a while,” Shwartz said.
Today, they finish each other’s sentences. Two years ago on a sunny day in May, they got married on these very grounds at Chapel Haven to the soundtrack “You’ll Be in My Heart” from Tarzan — a nod to the couple’s love for Disney animations.
Shwartz’s parents walked with him into a large white tent, and family and friends erupted into cheers as Anglim’s dad walked her down the aisle — lovely in a white lace dress and veil.
The couple – Shwartz is 36 years old and Anglim is 42 – recently welcomed a reporter to their apartment at Chapel Haven’s supported living center.
Photos of family and Anglim’s paintings of flowers wrapped up the combined living, kitchen and dining space in hygge (the Danish word for coziness and contentment).
‘Keep living life’
Anglim lost control over her speech and movement after a traumatic brain injury (TBI) in high school, when she had a seizure while running track.
“It just happened, so whatever, right?” she shrugged. “Just keep living life.”
Instead of heading to college, Anglim’s family sent her from Maine to Chapel Haven. There she found her independence through a state of Connecticut-approved curriculum that teaches adults with TBI, autism, cognitive disabilities and Down syndrome.
Now, she uses a walker to get around and is able to form sentences.
Shwartz, who has cognitive disabilities, was enrolled in the same program, and their friendship grew strong.
Anglim and Shwartz’s independence did not come easy.
They had to learn to communicate, problem-solve, regulate emotions, manage time, maintain personal hygiene, do laundry, stay safe in the community, manage a budget, pay bills and use transportation.
After graduating, Anglim and Shwartz lived independently in the New Haven community with support from Chapel Haven for several years. They then moved back on campus and joined the independent living program to live as a couple. Their families each pay $52,200 annually for the program, according to Chapel Hill.
Life together
Living together comes with chores, which the couple shares.
Shwartz read aloud from a list on the wall.
“Throw away empty cans,” he said. “Put away personal items inside in bedrooms. Dust furniture. Clean windows. And then, these are the steps that we have to follow.”
Shwartz volunteers at the Milford Senior Center on Wednesdays, setting water and plates of food at each table, and clearing the dirty plates.
He also volunteers at The Towers at Tower Lane, a senior housing community in New Haven, and has a paid job for 15 hours a week at Beacon Communities, a nonprofit for people with disabilities.
“I take an Uber from here to work, then I take an Uber back from work,” he said. “And I am very independent, and proud of myself for doing things independently.”
Shwartz said he did not expect that he would be married one day, or that he would cook his wife eggs for breakfast before he left for work – with some help from staff.
“First you have to take the eggs out of the fridge,” he said, of his process. “You have to put some butter. Then you put the oven on. And then you cook the eggs for about, I don’t know how long the eggs should cook. Everyday I do sunny-side-up just for her. Yes.”
Anglim said she loves watching him make her breakfast, and she loves him for his heart.
“It’s sweet. It’s sweet,” she said.
Their apartment has two bedrooms. Hers is filled with fairy lights, photographs of family and flowers that she painted. Like her mother Maryann Anglim, Kara loves to knit and showed a potholder that she was making.
Maryann, who died of cancer in 2018, was a former operating room nurse who obtained a master’s of jurisprudence in health care law at the age of 63.
Shwartz’s walls are covered in baseball posters. There are a few of David Ortiz, and plenty of family photographs.
“This is Jason, this is Coy, that’s John, that’s my aunt,” he said. “That’s Jody and Brian. That’s me and my mom and dad.”
Their apartment is also filled with music. Shwartz has a habit of breaking out into dance.
Anglim watched as he moved to “Under the Sea” from “The Little Mermaid.” Her laughter made him dance some more, and he switched it up to a song from Shakira.
“I think he’s crazy!” she giggled, as she sat with her knitting on her lap.
‘Love is love’
In the U.S., people with disabilities are half as likely to get married compared to people without disabilities, according to Disability Rights Education and Defense Fund, a nonprofit.
Anglim and Shwartz beat those odds.
“The average divorce rate in the U.S. is about 50%, so these two have as good a chance as any of us,” said Alison O’Neil, assistant professor in the Neuroscience & Behavior Program at Wesleyan University.
“But really, love is love. In sharing their favorite hobbies, meals, and laughs, their oxytocin and dopamine are spiking and they feel happy together,” O’Neil said.
In a few days, the couple is planning a night out.
“What I’m doing with Kara, with wifey, is going to Olive Garden and a movie called ‘Paddington in Peru,’” Shwartz said.
The duo will take an Uber to go on their date and back. Being together is so much fun, they said.
